Troy Buchanan

Archive for the ‘Personal Thoughts’ Category

Drake

In Music, Personal Thoughts on June 28, 2010 at 11:20 AM

I was thinking about doing another blog post last night but, I decied to focus on Mr. Aubrey Graham, or Drake, as the world currently knows him. I just had the opportunity to watch the  MTV doc on him entitled, “Better Than Good Enough.” Incredibly insightful. For the first time I feel like I was given an opportunity to see who Drake was. I’ve heard all of his music (both the mixtape and the recently released album) but for the longest time I was saying to myself, “Man, he’s really good, but I can’t relate to him. I love all of the things he’s saying but for there was always some disconnect, and I couldn’t figure it out. Drake is extremely talented and an intelligent young man too. What’s even more odd is that I’m writing about my peer directly, being only a few months older than Drake, and I’m also a fellow emcee. Just so happens Drake’s fanbase and my fanbase are like a grain of sand and a bolder in comparison. But, I feel that I can reach where he is at somepoint in my career. I’m not sure when that will take place because I cannot predict the future but, understanding his point of views from a rapper to rapper perspective should have some merit. So, everything that I am about to say should have some validity.

Read this slow: I think the biggest problem with Drake’s career right now is that people are forgetting that he is human.
As spectators, we often forget that celebrities and public figures are no different than us. They bleed like us, breath the same air as us, and surprisingly put on their pants one leg at a time. Although, some may be rich enough to have a machine do it for them, but the message is that they experience emotion. They think, they analyze, and they even experience self doubt just like any other human being. No matter how on top of the world one may be, I am also sure they they question themselves at some point. Confidence goes a long way but no human is ever confident enough to not realize that it could all be over at any moment. Same as those who appreciate life and say, “Man, I’ve gotta live for today. I don’t know if I’ll be here tomorrow.”

I think it’s also forgotten that he’s an artist.
Everything we hear in Drake’s music is deriveed from some personal experience or an effort to paint a picture for us, becuase he wants us to appreciae his visions, and as he put it, “I just want people to be confident in my abilities…” That’s a quote of someone who is trying to prove something to people. But why would Drake need to prove something to anyone? He’s currently one of the biggest artists in music right now, he just became shy of reaching a gold certification on his first album in it’s first week’s release, and he was literally an overnight success. That sounds like someone who has proved himself doesn’t it? Yes and no.

When Drake began to skyrocket in stardom last year and get so much acclaim that people – and the media – began crowning him the king of the game, the next Will Smith, or next Jay-Z of the game. This was all when he hadn’t even put an album out yet. He was just rising off of the success of a very good mixtape and a smash single. His talent  was not deniable but, I was confused as to why everyone was saying this about him. I felt I hadn’t seen anything yet. I really wanted to see what Drake had to offer. Not to mention I was still having trouble connecting to him. Therein lies what I think is something that needs to stop, especially with the media, for numbers sake: hyping these artists up so much that they are viewed as God’s when they have barely begun to start their careers. Same goes for the public. You’re cutting their legs from under them. In the intro to the documentary, Drake is on stage kneeled before a sea of people in an arena and he says, “My name is Aubrey Graham. I’m a 23 year old kid…” I think that says a lot about someone’s view of themselves versus the world’s view of them, and even though he’s exalted. It almost seems like he feels the world’s view is of the bird’s eye onto him. I find that incredibly interesting. Continuously throught the doc and in the interviews it seems that Drake is trying to fight to get people to believe that he’s not a rap legend, just yet. This is all the beginning for him. Sure there’s never been such a success for a hip hop artist in such a short period of time, but I think he deserves the right to grow as an artist. Let him release a couple of albums first. Let him actually try and make an impact first. What’s sad to me I feel like Drake’s impact at the beginning of his career will be minute in comparison for the rest of his career. He may continue to be huge but and become a rap legend, but I feel like he’s been robbed the opportunity to do what he probably envision’s as his impact. And he’ll have to just roll with it. I really want to see Drake continuing being a success. I hope that he has the chance to live out his career as he truly envisions.

My god brother, and hip hop head, is a big Drake fan. I remember when So Far Gone released, he was saying that Drake exemplifies greatness. And he wasn’t the only one. To myself I was saying, “But he just came out. He hasn’t even released an album yet. Drake is really good, but is it safe to say he’s ‘greatness’? Shouldn’t we let him become that first?” The first time I listened to Drake’s album, Thank Me Later, I was numb. I didn’t know what to think. It was good, infact, it’s a really good album, but it’s not a classic. I actually wanted to give it a 3.5 out of 5. Drake can make a classic album. I believe this strongly. And I can’t wait until the day he releases that album. His first effort is a good. But, I was actually disappointed in it a little. I was expecting so much more. But it was the hype that did that. I doesn’t make me want to listen to it over and over. I had to force my four listens before I could feel like I had a good grasp on what it was: a guy poring his heart over beats. That’s hip hop in it’s core but, as album, and it being a classic, I don’t feel so. Let’s let Drake make one first before we all become yes men to the hype and not take the time to really analyze what we are hearing. As a rapper, I want my friends to be totally honest to me on all the music that I put out. I’m not Drake’s friend, and I don’t know him, but if I had the chance to speak to him as one I would say, “You’re getting there homie. Your close. Just keep going. You didn’t get it this time, but you will. I’m just mad that it looks like you were rushed to put that album out.”

Drake’s evolution thus far…

Troy Buchanan is…

In Personal Thoughts on June 17, 2010 at 2:35 AM

… humble, curious, hard working, kind, and respectful…Life is hard, but I’m resilient. Greatest ongoing experience in my life: the journey to find myself. Yup.

Far from over.

In Music, Personal Thoughts on April 13, 2010 at 8:55 PM

You have the right to: reserve a spot be a in the spotlight and find out what to do in it.

I’m sitting here in my bed, partially paralyzed from a really bad cold that has been kicking my ass since last week. It’s a reason for the lack of posts in the last few days as well. I apologize to the 10 people who check it on a regular basis.  “Get some rest, Troy!” “You need to take better care of yourself” I know, believe me, I know. Somehow in my sickly state, I cannot help but want to work. It’s like, I don’t feel right If a day goes by whereas I don’t do something productive. I live off of the mentality that when I’m asleep the other guy is working. I can’t allow him to get on before me. I’ve worked to hard just to even stay alive long enough to get where I presently am. Where am I presently? So close. When I get there, you can best believe that I will be there for a long time, moving forward and upward. It’s the only way.

Some people, well most people, tell me to be patient and that my time will come when it’s supposed to. I understand that more everyday, but before it was like you couldn’t tell me to relax and take a break from working. I try to, but then I just slip away and do something constructive. Now sitting back and taking it easy, reflecting on life, that too can be constructive. What happens if I make it too young, I don’t know how to handle it, and it all slips away, and so do I along with it? Did I do something unrealized to make it before my time? Or, was it really my time?

I wonder about child stars all the time. I wonder are many of them ever meant to be “it” all of their lives or are they only meant to be that shinning star when they actually are? I think about Corey Haim, who’s recent death comes as a huge shock to the entertainment community but given the lifestyle that we have seen him lead in the public eye since the days post being the teen heartthrob that he was, did we really not see it coming? When you see a tree fall, you instinctively have no question about what it will do – I will fall and land somewhere. The place of it’s final rest many can never predict. It’s very sad to see people go through that. Not to mention someone being viewed by everyone via the media. That’s even more depressing. I remember seeing him in some of my favorite movies growing up. When I grew up and he disappeared from the screen, I just assumed he quit acting. Naive.

For child stars when I see then become so huge so early one of two feelings comes over me, “How did they get it so early? What am I doing wrong?” Or I will usually say, “Let’s see where they go.” Only with young rap artists will I say the prior. That’s because for rap/hip hop, the impression is given many of times, if you haven’t made it by this age, you probably never will. Or no one wants to see some old guy rapping. Tell that to Jay-Z. Not to say that he’s old but he’s a 40 year old rapper, who is still relevant. I don’t think we’ve seen that before. I’m still young and I’m trying to make it, not in rap but in music (I consider rap music. Sorry critics). I have seen a huge number of the  new generation of rappers all just blowing up one after the other and they are taking the music in a very different direction from what most hip hoppers have seen and known, and it’s very interesting. The other interesting thing is all of these rappers are in they’re early 20′s. I’m not going to disclose my age, but I will say that I am older than many of them. It’s a little unsettling to say the least becuase that mindset of making it as a rapper, being young is still very much a factor. There is only a certain age bracket that is say, marketable to a rap audience. I ask myself, “Why should that matter? I’m not them.” Then I wonder, well, will I be one of the next rappers to dispel that myth? We shall see. Until my time comes, I will just continue to do what I know: work. Work as hard as I can to make it all worth obtaining. I work like I want it more than my own health. Hell, I do it so until I end up getting sick, which is not the best way to live. I’m learning from mistakes. I’m taking more time to enjoy my life and the journey of making it. I can honestly say it’s wonderful. The way the last few years have been playing out. It’s been great. I didn’t realize it at the time but in retrospect, gosh, it’s been a blessing.

Then, I see young Drake. Hip hop’s newest young “icon.” I say “icon” because he has yet to release a first album and he was instantly being called the next best thing. Thee future, Jay-Z. The next Will Smith. A lot of pressure for a newbie. He’s only 23, I believe. He’s also a child star. An actor in his teen years on the show, Degrassi: The Next Generation which aired on Nickelodeon in the early 2000′s. He’s also had an explosive and meteoric rise as a celebrity amongst the younger audience not in just hip hop but in general, which I think has been unseen in sometime. When I first drew my attention to Drake, I didn’t just ask myself one of those questions that come to mind. I asked myself both. I also really liked his music but I hated what the media was doing to him, and I didn’t feel he deserved all of this credit so soon. Which might be selfish of me. I cannot hate on another man’s success. I really hope that for him, he does not become victim to what happens to so many young stars. For some insane reason, people think that when the day is over they go to their home on Mt. Olympus or something. It’s a fact. Most young stars are viewed as a deity. For me, I just hope when I make it, I’m around long enough to make a name for myself, and put food on my family’s table. As a young guy, everything is tempting. If you know half of Drake’s story, you would find the mood and lyrics to the first single on his album a wonder. For me I had to, or tried to read between the lines to understand where he was coming from. But, I also found some disappointment because in a year later, from departure in the one that saw his “boom,” I am seeing some downgrading in the quality of his music. I hope it’s not he forces getting to him. Hold tight Drake, you ain’t felt nothing yet. I’ve seen many rappers come a go. I’ve studied the industry and what it does to artists. This rap game will eat people up and spit them out. It’s so much about competition, and testing the human psyche more so than it is about making music. But what do I know? People tell me I read into things too much. The video seems kind of lonely to me.


Drake
Over
Directed by: Anthony Madler

Solstice Nights

In Fashion, Personal Thoughts on April 7, 2010 at 10:16 AM

An adventure full of imagination…and theatrics. So that makes it sort of a drama too.

It’s a slow night. A boring slow night. All of the glasses are clean, the mirrors and glass cases have been wiped down, the floor…eh, I can sweep and mop before I leave. The shipment for the day has already been taken care of. It’s evening now. The sun is turning in. The mall becomes desolate around this time and less people come into the store. I’m alone, as I always tend to be. Personal life and work life are just too much alike. I can write some rhymes…but I have been doing that since I clocked in – in between helping customers and doing other menial tasks that don’t really seem to make the digital numbers on the register clock morph quite fast enough. So now, I’m all rhymed out. I write maybe 2-3 16 bar verses everyday I work. Sometimes I write full songs in addition. Which is nice because I have time to think about more of what I want to say. As soon as I get here, I want to leave. I feel like Kanye and GLC…

I did sell. I do sell. I sell quite more than I’m expected to most days. The others, I just can’t force myself to care anymore. I hate my job. I’m sorry. Hate is such a strong word. I’m unhappy with my job. Yeah, that’s more positive with out being too negative. You have to be more positive. That’s what The Secret tells us. That’s what people who try to be empathetic to ones unfortunate situations say. It might be true, it makes sense, it has to be true. Many times question do I really believe in all of that. When I do, it gives me hope. I think about her when I’m here. Too much alone time. Too many thoughts running through my head. I need a muse.

I stare at the campaign ads posted over the brands with the models presenting a selected pair of glasses that we don’t even carry. They do this all the time. This company is so backwards. How do you advertise product you don’t even have? Posers. As I shake my head at the backwards-ass-ness (I’m making it a word for this post) I look a little harder at those models saying, “That should be me up there. I can model those glasses better then them, and I look rough right now. I didn’t even care how I came into work today… Where do they find these cheesy looking people? Don’t they read Vogue? That’s where you find real models.” I let out a frustrated sigh.

Again, as soon as I come in, I want to leave. “Man, fours years in college for this?” Wasn’t much better when I was a P.A. working on feature films (it was really cool some days and I learned a lot).  At least I don’t have to get people food this time. That just made me remember how much I hated waiting tables. Being a model is not my passion. I’m a rapper and a musician. I’ve always wanted to model though. I had something to prove to certain people and I wanted to dispel a few things about myself, to myself. “Ahhh, I hate my job.” Just like the bitter lady who lives at the end of the hall on my floor and snapped at me yesterday for doing my laundry on “her day.” Yeah we have a schedule, but no ones follows it. It just two items. Really quick. It was early morning. See what hating your job can cause people to do? They snap over the most trivial things.

You know what, I can’t take this anymore, I’m bored. Let me try on some of these glasses and take pictures of myself in them. At least I can stay creative. You know, I’ll post them on facebook too. Yeah that will be fun. Bless an iPhone. I can capture and post in less than five minutes. This should be fun. Ok, do the serious model face…but don’t forget to smile.

Mosely Tribes

Giorgio Armani

Mosley Tribes

Tom Ford

Dior Homme

Dita

Marc Jacobs

Dior Homme

Diesel

In the process of advertising myself, I advertise Solstice. So unintentional. They should pay me more for doing that. It’s the least they could do. I can barely pay my bills. In due time, Troy. Your nights and days will play out much better. I promise. In the meantime, keep creating, and keep blessing the world with your voice and words. It’s up to the world if it wants to listen or care. You can look back and say, “At least I tried, and I was damn good at it too.” No one can take that from you.

It’s this damn social networking thing…

In Film, Personal Thoughts on March 1, 2010 at 10:52 AM

I never understood the importance of marketing and the role that it plays in our shapeshifting society until I took on the role of being my own manager/promoter for my career as a recording artist. The first thing you do when you need to market something nowadays is scuddle to your computer and hop on Facebook, Twitter, or Myspace, and then tell the whole world (or at least your social circle) what you doing with yourself. Seems simple, yes? Maybe. You see in more ways than one, the increase and push on doing everything on the internet can be annoying. I think it’s the competition. Not the real competition, but the competition with people doing the senseless and shameless promotion, including the ridiculous amount of odd YouTube videos of people begging for fame, and the ever baffling Facebook status updates that read something like, “Just woke up. Brushing teeth,” or “Eating dinner.” It really makes it hard on the people actually trying to use the tool for the right reasons. You see, if you notice the videos on YouTube that have the most hits are ones that have no relevance to anything. RE: the “leave Britney alone” video which now has accumulated over 8 million hits. Mind boggling. Why it has that many hits? I wish I knew. But I think that it’s a good example where us as a culture has our minds. There is wealth of information floating around on the web, not to mention many artists, professionals, and real talented people using it for the right reasons in an effort to be noticed and obtain work doing their passion, when only to become overshadowed by everything on the web that drains intelligence.

Here’s a test. Study Facebook. Try to search for the most status updates that have either someone is actually trying to say something of importance or nothing important at all, and see which ones gain the most comments. I guarantee you, it will be the ones that serve no value. I see it all the time. I’ve even see someone announce on Facebook in their status that they have a yeast infection. At that point, I feel that this social networking thing is just going too far. Alas, I cannot fight the system. Not alone at least. I am an artist and in order for me to get my work seen, I have to market it. I need to utilize these outlets no matter how much they seem trife. It’s boiled down to, “If you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em.” In most ways. I still shy away getting overly personal on the web. I’ve slipped a few times. I use this blog as my own art journal of sorts, forgetting that anyone can read it. It’s expression – the true attribute of an artist. That attribute has now become sacred, because on the web, there are no rules. You can judged, chastised, exalted, and aligned with heaven all in the same day. There are no laws to govern. I have also come to realize that no one cares what your doing. They only care if you’ve made it, or when you make it. I can have 28 followers on Twitter today and tomorrow I get a deal with Def Jam, knowing word spreads quickly, I can blow up and have 1 million followers by the end of the week. Maybe that’s a little exaggerated, but not far from what could actually happen. It’s a sad reality of life – your only important, when your important. No one gives a damn that your on the come up, losing sleep, living a hard life, barely paying bills to get by, just to live out your dreams. Only your closest family and friends will care. Matter of fact, sometimes, not even they care. That’s got to be the most hurtful. Other than that, when you make it, that’s when everyone comes out of hiding.

But you know the social networking is not all bad. It’s tough to break through to people but it has done a lot of good. It does make somethings much easier. As a matter of fact it has become entertainment’s biggest scouting tool in recent years. The sad part is that Hollywood and the Music industry are still very poor in their selection skills. Not always, but about 70% of the time in my opinion. That is purely on a “let’s pick who has talent” basis. They no longer really seem to do that, but instead they pick who is “most marketable.” To me that just comes off as a cry for help and makes the entertainment industry look pathetic. Everything is about money these days. They only want to invest in what they “think” will make money. Sure it can be proven but that doesn’t mean that it’s actually good.

Scenario: If you feed a child bread and water (which we’ll call fluff) all their life, assuming they can live off of this. When they get to older age and finally get their first taste of a juicy steak (which we’ll call substance) they won’t know how to react. In most cases they may be disgusted and want that tasty bread and water meal. To you and I it may be the most delicious meal ever, and it may actually be, but the child won’t know that. All their parents ever exposed them to was fluff. They don’t know any better. In most real life cases they just may keel over and die. They don’t even have the stomach acids to tolerate the steak. Understand where I’m heading with this? That’s the biggest problem with our culture, the people that control what we are entertained by are giving us pure bread and water. So it’s all we know. We don’t like complex and thought provoking. It’s too much for our brains to handle. We want explosions or digitally manufactured sounds. It’s what we are used to. So that’s what we buy. Blame the so called “smart execs” who decide what we see and hear. They are bad parents. They don’t know what’s good for us. They also don’t know how to give us new and innovative. They take the easy way out and give young Lucas Cruikshank his own movie because they saw that his video on YouTube was getting a million hits:


*Yes, his voice will be like that in the movie.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t see at all how this turned into a feature length film could be in any way entertaining. That’s Hollywood for you.

Then on the other hand, a filmmaker and stop motion ace by the name of Patrick Boivin hailing from Canada uses YouTube to ink a deal with Hollywood. He’s one of the rare cases that just happened to be a talented artist and have something that is totally relateable and well done that gained him the recognition that he deserves. This doesn’t contribute to the fact that he is a real professional in the industry. He directs commercials. I can also guarantee that the young lad above is not a professional comedian. Is is safe to say that he even has talent? I would strongly argue that Patrick Boivin does. Then again, he is that rare case. It never really happens that way, and it’s a damn shame.


*Check who he’s sponsored by. Doesn’t surprise me one bit.

I can add DJ to my resume!

In Music, Personal Thoughts on February 27, 2010 at 10:37 AM

Sort of…

Sometimes you never understand your purpose in life until that purpose needs you to prove it to yourself and others. Follow me.

A friend of my cousin is a boxer and she needed some entrance music. She had an idea of what she wanted but needed to execute it. She also needed this music the day before she decided to ask me if I can do it for her. It was last minute yes, but I agreed to help her out. She wanted to have Jadakiss’ The Champ Is Here track play along with T.I’s Bring ‘Em Out with a glass breaking sound effect to break them up as intro and the actual move out music. Simple as stated. Yes and no. The execution of it is simple but finding the tracks that work is the tricky part. That was with the Jadakiss track. You see that song is on a mixtape that he put out with Big Mike and DJ Green Lantern. If any of you know a hip hop mixtape, the DJ’s love to talk all over the track. So I was presented with the challenge of chopping up the record so that you don’t here the DJ talking. She didn’t want this and it just doesn’t work if your coming out before a match and this is supposed to be your introduction music. Boy, did I chop it up. I was really surprised with myself in achieving the end result.

The track came out pretty hot. If anyone knows me, I really don’t end up doing anything simple. Not because I don’t want to, my mind and work ethic just doesn’t gear that way. I actually tried to give the track a concept as if trying to picture how she would come out and tailor the track to that vision. I ended up doing two versions for her. Originally I thought she wanted to have the Jadakiss track go first and with T.I. to follow. That version came out pretty good and is my favorite of the two but she really wanted it the other way around. I had to make a few changes so the transition would work a little better.

I really love music and I think this shows more how strong my passion for it is. Shouts to my brother Sean. He always does things like this too. We both could so be DJ’s, rappers, producers, engineers, what have you. We have the skills. The passion is there. Someone needs to give a shot! We work hard for it. We never get the break we deserve nor fair pay. There’s no reason to have a college degree and still be barely making rent. Uncalled for. I did this for free. This was for a friend. I was helping someone out, but I know a few DJ’s and I can only imagine what they would have charged for something like this. The best thing though, when she, my cousin, and her friends heard the track, they loved it. She called me and thanked me and sounded so excited. I know I can do this. I love when my art effects someone in a good way. That’s what I hope to do when I get on in the game and become a successful musician. I’m going to be amongst the elite in the game. My brother will be right there with me. Highly respected for our talents. I can feel it.

So if you are an A&R for one of the labels, or someone that works at one of the labels, or is someone connected, get at me! Please! Go to my music page right now. I’ve got the talent! You won’t be sorry.

Version 1

Version 2

I’ve been working! Hard…

In Personal Thoughts on February 14, 2010 at 10:21 PM

…And I’m tired. But I can’t give up. I always seem to do the work of like 5 people. Insane how I manage sometimes…

I apologize for the lack of posts over the weekend. I’ve been working really hard to solidify more hours at my job, along with promoting this mixtape and getting a plan laid out for the future. That does mean I am working on new music. I am very excited about what I have the opportunity to do with an independent release. I am going to and do what many are afraid to do as a solo artist. What’s that? You’ll have to wait and see. I promise that it will be worth the wait. As I told a friend, I am trying to lay down the foundation of  what will be something pretty epic for one person. In order to help all…

I have also been preparing for the showcase on Thursday night with R+H. I’m very excited and I hope that someone in the crowd is with a record label, or knows someone, who knows someone, and well, you know how they say it.

I do promise to bring you all the Alexander McQueen post, but it may be a few days out. I want to bring you all some other interesting posts this week. Stay tuned. I am planning to buy my first condenser microphone after this week. Super excited about that. I am my own engineer when I am in LA. If I’m in Florida, of course it’s my brother Sean. We are real artists here! We do everything! Even our own flyers (see below)! Keep an eye out on Friday or Saturday for the video from the performance. Wish me well. Take care friends. Bless!

*Oh, I apologize for some of the gramatical errors on some of the posts. It’s embarrassing and also unlike me, as a screenwriter. I do write many of these posts late at night when I’m tired. I’m trying to tighten it up though. I promise.*

It’s like it came out of my own mind.

In Personal Thoughts on February 5, 2010 at 11:10 AM

We gon’ last today, we have to pray
Besides what the pastor say, I have to say
Since Pac passed away,
Most you rappers don’t even deserve a track from me.
You see, if you ever wanted to ever be anything
There’d always be somebody that shoot down any dream.
There’ll always be haters, that’s the way it is.
Hater niggaz marry hater bitches and have hater kids.
But they gon’ have to take my life ‘fore they take my drive!
‘Cause when I was barely livin, that’s what kept me alive.
Just the thought that maybe it could be better than where we at, at this time
Make it out of this grind, ‘fore I’m out of my mind
And get some leeway on the he say, she say
You girl don’t like me, how long has she been gay?
Spanish girls say “No hable´ ingles”
And everybody want to run to me for their single.
It’s funny how these wack niggaz need my help
Wasn’t around when I couldn’t feed myself!
Dog, If I was you, I wouldn’t feel myself
Dog, If I was you, I’d kill myself!
Made a mill myself, and I’m still myself
And I’ma look in the mirror if I need some help
Ya’ll don’t speak from the heart, y’all all frontin’
Everybody feel a way about K but at least y’all feel something.

-Kanye West
“Bring Me Down” from The Late Registration

Not all entirely true for me yet. But I forsee. I couldn’t have said better Yeezy…

I need more of it. Do I really?

In Personal Thoughts on February 1, 2010 at 11:17 PM

According to Wikipedia,

Patience is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast.

It is one of the seven virtues that I feel I struggle with the most. I’ve got the others down pretty good. Those came early in life for me through circumstance but patience… that it’s the most difficult to tame. I live my life at a certain pace, it tends to be in the fast lane. People tell me to slow down all the time. I try to take their advice but it’s hard. What’s most hard about it is I don’t think they understand why I am that way. There were certain events in my life that lead to that way of living. You can’t waist time in life. Mine needs meaning. I see epic, my own interpretation of epic. You do also have to smell the flowers but I can plant a garden when I build my house. That’s how I see it. You don’t have to experience things at any specific time in life. It’s life – meaning, it spans over a course of a predetermined (if you believe so) set of years. I can smell flowers anytime I want. Who’s to say a rose won’t smell like a rose when I’m 10 or 50. Sure the strength of the scent may not be as strong when I’m 50 but the fact is I had that rose in my hand and to my nose and as long as I’m happy with that then, all is right in my world.

I love the experiences that I have had thus far and I look forward to many more but what’s so provocative about life to me more than anything is the ability to achieve. Living dreams. I believe in that. A close friend told me, it’s reaching goals. Dreams happen in sleep. She’s partly right. If you look at it how I look at it, daydreaming, or better yet envisioning, is a form of dreaming that can manifest itself to reality. I strongly believe that. It’s like visualizing a win and that turing itself into confidence which incites the actual win. Try it. You’ll be shocked. Then you can promote to everyone that you are living out dreams. What greater feeling?

So to patience. I will probably fight with you for the rest of my life because I don’t plan on slowing down. I will work with you and embrace your teachings but it’s not my fault if the world doesn’t move at a pace that I determine for myself. I’m not moving at that pace for kicks. I am not doing it voluntarily. It’s way past that. This has penetrated to my subconscious my friends. I am going to live by my heart. I believe there is no other way to do it. As long as I’m learning and growing, I see no reason to change. Happiness here I come.

More art speaking my language:

Inspire me gentlemen!

In Personal Thoughts on January 27, 2010 at 9:25 PM

The say you should inspire yourself. I do that, but I would be lying if I said there wasn’t any figure that helped mold my way of thinking and my relentless display of ambition. I have always had role models and idols growing up. The Fellowship, as I call it, has not changed by much since my younger years. Some have been inducted by way of striking me in a manner that ignites my mind and heart furiously sending that rush of enzymes to my brain that will not allow my actions to cease. “I will not give up!”, said President Obama tonight in the State of the Union address as he spoke with such great conviction. I concur good sir.

I would like to introduce The Fellowship to you all. These men affect me in different ways but as a young, black, and gifted male in this world, they are everything I need to guide me along the lonely beaten path that I so often chose to take. I find myself so separate from my peers, either ahead or alone in my thought process on attack in my career in my life. I owe much to my own unique personality, and to these great men who continuously teach me that greatness does not occur on rested feet nor by an unused mind. So, I run towards my goals and dreams and I use more than that 10% of my brain.

The Fellowship

President Barack Obama

Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter

Sean “P. Diddy” Combs

Malcolm X

Michael Eric Dyson

Kanye West

I’m going to be somebody! I’m going to be great!

In Personal Thoughts on January 26, 2010 at 11:24 PM

First off, I have to apologize for the lack of posts in the last few days. Pretty mind numbing times to the gears moving in my head – much on my mind.

There’s No Way Out.

But, I’ll live on Forever because The Saga Continues…and when they Press Play, I’m guaranteed that Dirty Money.

Only then, will I be able to jump on that Last Train To Paris.

The prose above is the remnants of a little motto that I want to bless myself with. I came up with it today while driving listening to Diddy’s previous studio album “Press Play.” The bold words are the titles of all of his studio albums.

Very few people know, but I am an extremely huge fan of Puff. I call him Puff because, that’s who I first knew him as. You see, it was he who got me interested into Rap music. Not personally, but through what he was doing with the music in the mid-nineties. His first studio album, “No Way Out” was the first rap album that I ever bought and that changed everything for me. Originally I had thought that it was The Notorious B.I.G’s “Life After Death” was the first one I had purchased but as I recall, it was the second. You see Puff was the second major mogul in hip, and really all of music, after Russell Simmons had his run with Def Jam. I saw what he did and it wasn’t until I started rapping where I actually felt like I wanted to be someone. This was a little before I discovered Jay-Z. After that, and as a rapper, you could understand why I wanted to emulate Jay. But I still quietly remained a Puffy fan. He wasn’t really popping with the music like he was when Biggie was alive but you know, I always loved what he put out since then. It always had an interesting charm to it – and a hunger that I didn’t see much in music. Everyone seemed to make music look easy, like there was no reason to be hungry for success(at least in my eyes) because they were giving out deals like flyers at the club when you walk out when it the party shuts down.

Many had their issues with Puff, saying that he fell off (I sort of felt so for a while), that he would sell his nuts for a plaque (it seemed so many of times), and that he sort of played unfairly in the business. Most notably with The L.O.X. and Mase, and not pushing his artists on Bad Boy properly (Black Rob, Craig Mack, G Dep, Da Band, Danity Kane, Day Six, amongst others). Oh, and who can forget the many Making The Band seasons, and the famous cheesecake walk to Brooklyn. I still laugh at that shit. *Pauses. Takes moment to reflect and laugh* There was even a joke me and my fellow rap friends carried: We wanted to get a deal but not with Puff -we’d never come out.

You almost can’t fault him for the many misfires on searching for new talent. The man found and presented Hip Hop, and music, with one of the greatest to ever do it, The Notorious B.I.G. Sadly he died in his meteoric rise. You can only imagine how Puff must have felt to lose a friend and an artist like that. You have to think- Puff would have become spoiled by Biggie. He was an incredible artist and he must have spent every ounce of energy in all those Making The Band seasons, and those other artists, trying to find the next Biggie.

Those are many reasons to criticize Puff, but what people forget is what he has made himself: An Icon. He’s made Sean John more than just urban clothing, he’s run the New York Marathon, he supported the right President in the Vote or Die campaign on two separate campaign runs, he’s supplied more blacks jobs than most companies, and tired to give more young passionate musicians and entrepreneurs opportunities over any other music mogul that I can think of. The most admirable to me: he’s shown his continued love for music. He may not write his own lyrics but he recruits some of the best songwriters (some newbies, some vets) and respects talent. He may not actually produce all of the music, but he’s got an ear and a vision and he shows it in the type of music he makes. That makes him an artist to me. Lastly, you can sense the soul and passion in all of his songs. There’s a love there. He’s in it all for the love. I think at this point it’s past money. This is all why I respect Puffy so much. I don’t necessarily want to be like him; I want to be myself. But I want to be able to achieve what he has done in his career in my own way. It’s businessmen and artist like him that continue to inspire me and allow me to feel, and say:

“I’m going to be somebody! I’m going to be great!”

Next stop, the birth of my first record label.

Thanks, Puff. In your words, “Keep banging.”

-Troy

Fail. Troy. But get up.

In Personal Thoughts on January 16, 2010 at 12:21 PM

Prelude – The Making of, “Listen to My Tape!”

I feel really embarrassed. I promoted myself so well. Yet, I failed to deliver. These kind of actions are totally unlike me. I have a reputation for my work ethic: I work hard, I do it passionately, and I complete it on time. In the case of this mixtape it has been a 10 year battle. Literally. I wanted to make a mixtape or album when I started rapping in high school. I had all these ideas on what it would be and how it would sound. My endeavours as a rapper have really been a struggle for me and much of the time I feel it’s been unfair. I never had access to recording equipment in high school nor the money to go to a studio. I was working but making pennies. I was always interested in doing things the guerilla way. Why pay out my life savings when I could hustle to find other, cheaper means of seeing my vision realized. Studio time is expensive and I wanted to make that tape. I wanted to prove to people, who I felt never believed in me as a rapper. For me, hearing it would sooth my own soul. To me my music always felt inspiringly epic.

Fast forward to college. I really wanted to finish it this time. The constant teasing from my peers had taken shape into, “When’s the mixtape dropping Troy?” The snickering really got under my skin. I tried to link with a friend who was also a DJ and also had a decent set-up for recording welcomed the idea of helping me try and really make the tape. That soon turned into him either being busy, not showing the real interest that I felt should’ve been there – he did try and work with me though. He actually tried to coach my sound and help my flow get a little better. Once classes in my major started to pick up the only time I had left was to stay home at night and write rhymes while everyone went out. I had no money to go out, and besides, perfecting my rhyming skills seemed more important to me. Soon enough there was no time left. Film had consumed my life and I just decided to put rap to the back for a little and go forth with film as my real career. For some crazy reason to me, it felt more guaranteed; something that seemed to work out for me more. Rap was always such a struggle for me. As much time that I put into it, the love that I showed it, it really felt like it was harder than it should be. It really frustrated me. Other guys were getting the opportunity to do it. They had people backing them. I was always doing this on my own. I never felt the people believed in me as a rapper as much as I believed in myself. The only person that I really ever felt believed in me as a rapper was my brother, Sean. More than anyone else he really believed in me.

Then rappers started to blow, as I witnessed them on my TV showing up on 106 and Park and MTV.

“Wait! WTF man!? Damn they’re rapping about the shit that I’ve been rapping about. That’s sort of how my style is.” No they didn’t steal my style. They just succeeded before I did, and they happened to have the type of style that I had. What was even more frustrating was that they were the rappers that ended up changing the game in some respects. RE: Kanye West, Lupe Fiasco. And now, Drake, Kid Cudi, Wale, amongst the Freshman in the game who are now realized as the next generation in hip hop. Where do I fit in here? When Kanye came out, and even other rappers before him, it caused me to change my style over the 10 years that I was rapping. Why did I do this, you ask? Why didn’t I just stay myself? I did. But, rap is so competitive (more than any musical genre) I had to tailor my style so that I was still me but different than everyone else. Imagine doing that more than 5 times. Hip heads, critics, and fans are so quick to say that you are not yourself and are using someone else’s style or you sound like someone. That alone can hurt your career. See Guerrilla Black and Shyne. Both compared to Biggie. Shyne was actually lucky enough to rise from that comparison but it is a rarity. If you understand the rap game or are following me, you can understand my frustrations.

Now, at a point where I am 3,000 miles away from everything that I know, everything that made me who I am. It is lonely but more importantly, I feel like I am trying to get back there while never leaving where I currently am. I came to LA for a reason. To achieve my goals and live out my dreams. The two are not one in the same. The latter is living on another level. Ask Jay-Z. Ask Kanye. They are doing it. I left a secure job to keep this feeling alive. It just gets harder every step. I am now closer than ever to finishing my first mixtape which is long overdue. It is finished but, it’s not mastered. My brother Sean is helping me do that. I took on the role of doing everything else: recording myself (Sean recorded a few songs too), mixing the tracks, doing the promotion, and the cover art. I wanted to release it yesterday but I couldn’t. I’m not blaming my brother at all. He is trying to help me while having to work around his work schedule and night shifts at The Hit Factory. But at the same time it feels like, “Man, what more I gotta do? Why is that everyone can get their tape out but there is always some element trying to spoil it for me?” But I fight. No matter what this tape will see the light of day and air waves in someone’s room or ear canal of some person that I hope to inspire. I will get to the zenith in my life and career. When it happens hip hop will be there right by my side. Even if I’m directing movies. She will be in the director chair alongside mine.

Alfred moves to the bedside. Looks down at Young Bruce.
ALFRED
Took quite a fall, didn’t we?
Young Bruce looks up at Alfred. Manages a slight smile.
ALFRED
And why do we fall, Master Bruce?
Alfred reaches up to the curtains. Young Bruce says nothing.
ALFRED
So that we might better learn to
pick ourselves up.
- From Batman Begins by David Goyer

Love Songs, Love Songs. Auditions to be Casanova…

In Personal Thoughts on January 10, 2010 at 1:12 AM

…Eh Eh Ehem…I mean Romeo. Where for art thou Romeo? Is what she asked. Of course every girl wants a Romeo or some romantic male figure in their lives (we’ll call him Raul) whether they marry him or have as many orgasms from him as they can before they realize he’s not marriage material and then marry someone else – who has money and a Porsche. Some of you are probably reading this and saying, “He sounds bitter.” You may be rightly so…MAY be rightly so. I’m more or less trying to make sense of this quest we humans have to find love and how we classify what love is.

I have started to write my second feature screenplay entitled Hopeless Romantics and Sweet Dreams (shameless plug) and I’m sure you can guess from the title that it is a romantic film. It is, but it’s a half depressing half funny one – loosely based on my own love experiences. I have actually been trying to collect thoughts and memories while writing because it is such a thoughtful subject for me. I can’t just put anything down on paper. It won’t be honest, because I am still trying to make sense of the feeling. It’s also painful to revisit some of those moments. Moreover, I wanted to be a little selfless and not write this for myself but also try to offer something for both women and men to relate to. Love is universal. She has a beautiful face but she’s so bloody indecisive.

Growing up, I have watched a lot of relationships beautifully blossom and I have seen some end in disaster that change people and leave them miserable. I’ve met some real heartbreakers and then I have met good girls that have slipped away because I was affected by those heartbreakers and shut them out fearful of experiencing that hurt again. Can you blame me? But, is it my fault for letting them slip away, or that girl’s prior? To this very day I honestly don’t know.

The people that I have witnessed become destroyed by love were close friends or family members. It’s not a pleasant thing to watch. In fact I have learned a lot about relationships from watching other people. Those observations have caused me to drastically slow down my need for wanting to be in one. Though, I may long for love and companionship like every other human wants and needs, I would rather settle for bachelor exploration until I can at least say that it’s worth the fight and the casualties. I’ve fought many of times only to come back ten men short. My battalion now only consists of myself. Anymore fighting and the cause will be lost and no more, along with it’s general. At 24, I’m too young for all of that.

What I come to realize is that from boy meets girl, it’s boy and girl “say” they are in love faster than that actual love has time to be born, if it is even meant to happen between those two people. The sex seems to be the highlight of most relationships for people. I don’t know about highlight of a relationship, but it’s become the highlight of my life. It feels more like adventure then a chore, which it can become in relationships. More often than not sex is what fools people to into thinking that love exists between them. Sure that’s where a connection can be made but it doesn’t really equate to love. I’ve also seen people move in with their boyfriend or girlfriend which just ends in breakup and hatred. I wonder sometimes if thought is put into what it means to live with your companion. To me people jump into it because it seems like a good idea at the time but what they forget is that it will be the same person they will see ALL the time. It’s pretty much like being married…

What’s worse is that some people hate being alone so much that they get into relationships with people who at least seem down for the ride or have some attribute that will fill their void for the time being. I’m wondering what’s the sense in that? Your almost setting yourself up for something that has a higher chance of not succeeding. For something as fragile as love and he human emotion it sounds completely masochistic.

I don’t write to sound like an expert or some love scholar. I am merely huddling my thoughts on the matter into a pile. I will sit indian style in front of it going though each trying to find the ones that make most sense to me and tossing the others over my shoulder. I could be wrong on all my assessments. Maybe I really am bitter. Maybe I need to stop typing and go and find my Mona Lisa. Or, maybe some girl will read this post and see the earnest attempt at where I have gone wrong or where I sound like an idiot and seek me out to help resolve some of these issues. I do have more to say. Oh, yes. You thought that I would let you get away that easily? There is a part two to this. For now I’m part you with some songs that represent the different levels of “love and like” that I have lived through.

New Year. New Decade. New Plans. Same Person

In Personal Thoughts on December 29, 2009 at 8:33 AM

“What’s wrong with this guy? He got all Hollywood and shit!” Nah. I just matured. That’s for whoever may say that after I depart back to LA on January 5th.

It’s time to get back on my job. What’s my job? Proving to myself and to everyone who overlooks me that I will be the next to do it big and change the game. For the better of course. This mixtape and the album that follows are very important to me. This is my way of getting some tales of real life out so that the people that are described in them can see what state of mind I was in at the time. It’s also my way of letting the people who know nothing of me as a rapper or don’t even see me as a rapper be drawn into my world because it’s real and it’s artful, as everything that I do should be. I just really want to make some good music. Heartfelt music. With my brother’s production, that shouldn’t be a problem.

I also need to break into the fashion modeling industry. This is a job that I really want. I hope it works out and provides me with the finances that I need and the opportunities so that I can continue with the music and then in the  future, segue my way back into film. I plan to, at some point, be directing every single one of my music videos!

Two years ago, my mentor told me to make a list of all the things that I want to accomplish in the new year, put it away and come back at the dawn of the next year and see how much I really did accomplish.

My 2010 checklist:

1. Get signed by a modeling agency and get continuous work.

2. Complete my first album and allow it to create a good buzz for me to get signed by a label by 2011.

3. Perform at least 10-15 shows for the year.

4. Get an agent/manger that I trust.

4. Finish my second feature screenplay.

5. Sell my first feature screenplay.

6. For once, work hard (without stress), make good money, and live comfortably.

7. Become a step closer to finding myself.

8. Get my gear(clothing) on point.

9. Get a better car.

10. Get my faith/spirit back in order.

Let’s do this!