The say you should inspire yourself. I do that, but I would be lying if I said there wasn’t any figure that helped mold my way of thinking and my relentless display of ambition. I have always had role models and idols growing up. The Fellowship, as I call it, has not changed by much since my younger years. Some have been inducted by way of striking me in a manner that ignites my mind and heart furiously sending that rush of enzymes to my brain that will not allow my actions to cease. “I will not give up!”, said President Obama tonight in the State of the Union address as he spoke with such great conviction. I concur good sir.

I would like to introduce The Fellowship to you all. These men affect me in different ways but as a young, black, and gifted male in this world, they are everything I need to guide me along the lonely beaten path that I so often chose to take. I find myself so separate from my peers, either ahead or alone in my thought process on attack in my career in my life. I owe much to my own unique personality, and to these great men who continuously teach me that greatness does not occur on rested feet nor by an unused mind. So, I run towards my goals and dreams and I use more than that 10% of my brain.

The Fellowship

President Barack Obama

Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter

Sean “P. Diddy” Combs

Malcolm X

Michael Eric Dyson

Kanye West

First off, I have to apologize for the lack of posts in the last few days. Pretty mind numbing times to the gears moving in my head – much on my mind.

There’s No Way Out.

But, I’ll live on Forever because The Saga Continues…and when they Press Play, I’m guaranteed that Dirty Money.

Only then, will I be able to jump on that Last Train To Paris.

The prose above is the remnants of a little motto that I want to bless myself with. I came up with it today while driving listening to Diddy’s previous studio album “Press Play.” The bold words are the titles of all of his studio albums.

Very few people know, but I am an extremely huge fan of Puff. I call him Puff because, that’s who I first knew him as. You see, it was he who got me interested into Rap music. Not personally, but through what he was doing with the music in the mid-nineties. His first studio album, “No Way Out” was the first rap album that I ever bought and that changed everything for me. Originally I had thought that it was The Notorious B.I.G’s “Life After Death” was the first one I had purchased but as I recall, it was the second. You see Puff was the second major mogul in hip, and really all of music, after Russell Simmons had his run with Def Jam. I saw what he did and it wasn’t until I started rapping where I actually felt like I wanted to be someone. This was a little before I discovered Jay-Z. After that, and as a rapper, you could understand why I wanted to emulate Jay. But I still quietly remained a Puffy fan. He wasn’t really popping with the music like he was when Biggie was alive but you know, I always loved what he put out since then. It always had an interesting charm to it – and a hunger that I didn’t see much in music. Everyone seemed to make music look easy, like there was no reason to be hungry for success(at least in my eyes) because they were giving out deals like flyers at the club when you walk out when it the party shuts down.

Many had their issues with Puff, saying that he fell off (I sort of felt so for a while), that he would sell his nuts for a plaque (it seemed so many of times), and that he sort of played unfairly in the business. Most notably with The L.O.X. and Mase, and not pushing his artists on Bad Boy properly (Black Rob, Craig Mack, G Dep, Da Band, Danity Kane, Day Six, amongst others). Oh, and who can forget the many Making The Band seasons, and the famous cheesecake walk to Brooklyn. I still laugh at that shit. *Pauses. Takes moment to reflect and laugh* There was even a joke me and my fellow rap friends carried: We wanted to get a deal but not with Puff -we’d never come out.

You almost can’t fault him for the many misfires on searching for new talent. The man found and presented Hip Hop, and music, with one of the greatest to ever do it, The Notorious B.I.G. Sadly he died in his meteoric rise. You can only imagine how Puff must have felt to lose a friend and an artist like that. You have to think- Puff would have become spoiled by Biggie. He was an incredible artist and he must have spent every ounce of energy in all those Making The Band seasons, and those other artists, trying to find the next Biggie.

Those are many reasons to criticize Puff, but what people forget is what he has made himself: An Icon. He’s made Sean John more than just urban clothing, he’s run the New York Marathon, he supported the right President in the Vote or Die campaign on two separate campaign runs, he’s supplied more blacks jobs than most companies, and tired to give more young passionate musicians and entrepreneurs opportunities over any other music mogul that I can think of. The most admirable to me: he’s shown his continued love for music. He may not write his own lyrics but he recruits some of the best songwriters (some newbies, some vets) and respects talent. He may not actually produce all of the music, but he’s got an ear and a vision and he shows it in the type of music he makes. That makes him an artist to me. Lastly, you can sense the soul and passion in all of his songs. There’s a love there. He’s in it all for the love. I think at this point it’s past money. This is all why I respect Puffy so much. I don’t necessarily want to be like him; I want to be myself. But I want to be able to achieve what he has done in his career in my own way. It’s businessmen and artist like him that continue to inspire me and allow me to feel, and say:

“I’m going to be somebody! I’m going to be great!”

Next stop, the birth of my first record label.

Thanks, Puff. In your words, “Keep banging.”

-Troy

Prelude – The Making of, “Listen to My Tape!”

I feel really embarrassed. I promoted myself so well. Yet, I failed to deliver. These kind of actions are totally unlike me. I have a reputation for my work ethic: I work hard, I do it passionately, and I complete it on time. In the case of this mixtape it has been a 10 year battle. Literally. I wanted to make a mixtape or album when I started rapping in high school. I had all these ideas on what it would be and how it would sound. My endeavours as a rapper have really been a struggle for me and much of the time I feel it’s been unfair. I never had access to recording equipment in high school nor the money to go to a studio. I was working but making pennies. I was always interested in doing things the guerilla way. Why pay out my life savings when I could hustle to find other, cheaper means of seeing my vision realized. Studio time is expensive and I wanted to make that tape. I wanted to prove to people, who I felt never believed in me as a rapper. For me, hearing it would sooth my own soul. To me my music always felt inspiringly epic.

Fast forward to college. I really wanted to finish it this time. The constant teasing from my peers had taken shape into, “When’s the mixtape dropping Troy?” The snickering really got under my skin. I tried to link with a friend who was also a DJ and also had a decent set-up for recording welcomed the idea of helping me try and really make the tape. That soon turned into him either being busy, not showing the real interest that I felt should’ve been there – he did try and work with me though. He actually tried to coach my sound and help my flow get a little better. Once classes in my major started to pick up the only time I had left was to stay home at night and write rhymes while everyone went out. I had no money to go out, and besides, perfecting my rhyming skills seemed more important to me. Soon enough there was no time left. Film had consumed my life and I just decided to put rap to the back for a little and go forth with film as my real career. For some crazy reason to me, it felt more guaranteed; something that seemed to work out for me more. Rap was always such a struggle for me. As much time that I put into it, the love that I showed it, it really felt like it was harder than it should be. It really frustrated me. Other guys were getting the opportunity to do it. They had people backing them. I was always doing this on my own. I never felt the people believed in me as a rapper as much as I believed in myself. The only person that I really ever felt believed in me as a rapper was my brother, Sean. More than anyone else he really believed in me.

Then rappers started to blow, as I witnessed them on my TV showing up on 106 and Park and MTV.

“Wait! WTF man!? Damn they’re rapping about the shit that I’ve been rapping about. That’s sort of how my style is.” No they didn’t steal my style. They just succeeded before I did, and they happened to have the type of style that I had. What was even more frustrating was that they were the rappers that ended up changing the game in some respects. RE: Kanye West, Lupe Fiasco. And now, Drake, Kid Cudi, Wale, amongst the Freshman in the game who are now realized as the next generation in hip hop. Where do I fit in here? When Kanye came out, and even other rappers before him, it caused me to change my style over the 10 years that I was rapping. Why did I do this, you ask? Why didn’t I just stay myself? I did. But, rap is so competitive (more than any musical genre) I had to tailor my style so that I was still me but different than everyone else. Imagine doing that more than 5 times. Hip heads, critics, and fans are so quick to say that you are not yourself and are using someone else’s style or you sound like someone. That alone can hurt your career. See Guerrilla Black and Shyne. Both compared to Biggie. Shyne was actually lucky enough to rise from that comparison but it is a rarity. If you understand the rap game or are following me, you can understand my frustrations.

Now, at a point where I am 3,000 miles away from everything that I know, everything that made me who I am. It is lonely but more importantly, I feel like I am trying to get back there while never leaving where I currently am. I came to LA for a reason. To achieve my goals and live out my dreams. The two are not one in the same. The latter is living on another level. Ask Jay-Z. Ask Kanye. They are doing it. I left a secure job to keep this feeling alive. It just gets harder every step. I am now closer than ever to finishing my first mixtape which is long overdue. It is finished but, it’s not mastered. My brother Sean is helping me do that. I took on the role of doing everything else: recording myself (Sean recorded a few songs too), mixing the tracks, doing the promotion, and the cover art. I wanted to release it yesterday but I couldn’t. I’m not blaming my brother at all. He is trying to help me while having to work around his work schedule and night shifts at The Hit Factory. But at the same time it feels like, “Man, what more I gotta do? Why is that everyone can get their tape out but there is always some element trying to spoil it for me?” But I fight. No matter what this tape will see the light of day and air waves in someone’s room or ear canal of some person that I hope to inspire. I will get to the zenith in my life and career. When it happens hip hop will be there right by my side. Even if I’m directing movies. She will be in the director chair alongside mine.

Alfred moves to the bedside. Looks down at Young Bruce.

ALFRED

Took quite a fall, didn’t we?

Young Bruce looks up at Alfred. Manages a slight smile.

ALFRED

And why do we fall, Master Bruce?

Alfred reaches up to the curtains. Young Bruce says nothing.

ALFRED

So that we might better learn to

pick ourselves up.

- From Batman Begins by David Goyer

…Eh Eh Ehem…I mean Romeo. Where for art thou Romeo? Is what she asked. Of course every girl wants a Romeo or some romantic male figure in their lives (we’ll call him Raul) whether they marry him or have as many orgasms from him as they can before they realize he’s not marriage material and then marry someone else – who has money and a Porsche. Some of you are probably reading this and saying, “He sounds bitter.” You may be rightly so…MAY be rightly so. I’m more or less trying to make sense of this quest we humans have to find love and how we classify what love is.

I have started to write my second feature screenplay entitled Hopeless Romantics and Sweet Dreams (shameless plug) and I’m sure you can guess from the title that it is a romantic film. It is, but it’s a half depressing half funny one – loosely based on my own love experiences. I have actually been trying to collect thoughts and memories while writing because it is such a thoughtful subject for me. I can’t just put anything down on paper. It won’t be honest, because I am still trying to make sense of the feeling. It’s also painful to revisit some of those moments. Moreover, I wanted to be a little selfless and not write this for myself but also try to offer something for both women and men to relate to. Love is universal. She has a beautiful face but she’s so bloody indecisive.

Growing up, I have watched a lot of relationships beautifully blossom and I have seen some end in disaster that change people and leave them miserable. I’ve met some real heartbreakers and then I have met good girls that have slipped away because I was affected by those heartbreakers and shut them out fearful of experiencing that hurt again. Can you blame me? But, is it my fault for letting them slip away, or that girl’s prior? To this very day I honestly don’t know.

The people that I have witnessed become destroyed by love were close friends or family members. It’s not a pleasant thing to watch. In fact I have learned a lot about relationships from watching other people. Those observations have caused me to drastically slow down my need for wanting to be in one. Though, I may long for love and companionship like every other human wants and needs, I would rather settle for bachelor exploration until I can at least say that it’s worth the fight and the casualties. I’ve fought many of times only to come back ten men short. My battalion now only consists of myself. Anymore fighting and the cause will be lost and no more, along with it’s general. At 24, I’m too young for all of that.

What I come to realize is that from boy meets girl, it’s boy and girl “say” they are in love faster than that actual love has time to be born, if it is even meant to happen between those two people. The sex seems to be the highlight of most relationships for people. I don’t know about highlight of a relationship, but it’s become the highlight of my life. It feels more like adventure then a chore, which it can become in relationships. More often than not sex is what fools people to into thinking that love exists between them. Sure that’s where a connection can be made but it doesn’t really equate to love. I’ve also seen people move in with their boyfriend or girlfriend which just ends in breakup and hatred. I wonder sometimes if thought is put into what it means to live with your companion. To me people jump into it because it seems like a good idea at the time but what they forget is that it will be the same person they will see ALL the time. It’s pretty much like being married…

What’s worse is that some people hate being alone so much that they get into relationships with people who at least seem down for the ride or have some attribute that will fill their void for the time being. I’m wondering what’s the sense in that? Your almost setting yourself up for something that has a higher chance of not succeeding. For something as fragile as love and he human emotion it sounds completely masochistic.

I don’t write to sound like an expert or some love scholar. I am merely huddling my thoughts on the matter into a pile. I will sit indian style in front of it going though each trying to find the ones that make most sense to me and tossing the others over my shoulder. I could be wrong on all my assessments. Maybe I really am bitter. Maybe I need to stop typing and go and find my Mona Lisa. Or, maybe some girl will read this post and see the earnest attempt at where I have gone wrong or where I sound like an idiot and seek me out to help resolve some of these issues. I do have more to say. Oh, yes. You thought that I would let you get away that easily? There is a part two to this. For now I’m part you with some songs that represent the different levels of “love and like” that I have lived through.